Spring

I just got Ryder out the door to head to school. He vomited during breakfast, and I hugged him as he was gagging. His body was shaking, and he was squeezing me tight. He settled down, I cleaned him up, and we proceeded to get ready for the day. After I put him on the bus, I came back inside and stared at the pool of vomit on the kitchen floor. I thought to myself, in what world does a parent send a child who just threw up to school? The answer: in our world. Ryder has suffered from vomiting since he was just 3 months old. While his symptoms have improved tremendously, he still struggles with feeding every day. We still don’t know if he has problems swallowing, or if the gagging and vomiting is caused by stomach upset, or sensory overload. Sometimes we can pinpoint the cause, but generally speaking, we just don’t know. We don’t keep him home every time he throws up, or he would miss a lot of school. His teaching staff knows his medical history, so they know he doesn’t have some kind of a stomach bug. So, we comfort him, clean him up and send him on his way. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking.

I wrote that 2 days ago. Ryder threw up at breakfast again today. I’ve been sick with a cold, and was really nauseated this morning, so I threw some paper towels over the mess of vomit, and laid back down for half an hour. Yes, I left vomit pooling on the floor. I’ve since cleaned it up. I’ve cleaned up a lot of vomit over the past 9 years. I’ve cried over a lot of vomit over the past 9 years. The severity of Ryder’s vomiting has gone from 5 times a day to none at all many days, but it’s still as difficult as ever to process and deal with.  I get tired of cleaning puke off of the floors, the walls, the chairs, Ryder’s clothes, my clothes. I get tired of having to feed him again, and I get tired of worrying that Ryder didn’t get his medication, which we have to crush and put in his smoothies. And I get angry, so very angry; not at Ryder, but at the unfairness of it all. It hurts. It hurts to watch your tiny, delicate child suffer. We’ve worked very hard over the years to make things better for him, but each time he gets sick, I feel this hurt and anger again. I can’t help him. It’s a terrible feeling. So I hug him and tell him I’m sorry and that it sucks when you don’t feel well. And he just keeps going. This kid is a freaking warrior. So I keep going too.

I haven’t sat down to write in a very long time. The first few months of 2018 have been difficult for us. We’ve battled a lot of illness, sleepless nights, bouts of severe agitation in Ryder, and seizures. It’s been hard. I thought about sharing some of it, but it all felt so negative. I felt like I was living under a dark cloud. The good news is, the cloud has lifted, and I’m starting to feel a little more like myself again. Spring helps. My goodness, we had the longest winter ever! The kids are thrilled to be able to play outside every day again. Hayley will spend hours outside on a sunny day, and Ryder keeps asking to go for walks. He’s very clear about what he wants these days, as he will take your hand and show you exactly what he wants to do. It’s a great step in his non-verbal communication. When he’s feeling well, he’s very engaged with the family and flashes his million dollar smile often. Hayley is her usual happy, adventurous self, with a little 3 year old sass thrown in there. It’s non-stop action over here, and when we sit down at the end of the day, we often laugh about how tired we are after chasing after these two crazy kids all day. And despite the chaos and the challenges, we marvel over our incredible kids and the joy they bring to our lives every day. I guess that’s the moral of my story today. Life will throw all kinds of stuff at you, but at the end of the day, it’s what you do with it that matters. If you bask in the glow of the good stuff, the hard stuff can’t take hold of your spirit. And no matter how long winter seems, spring will come.