We’ve had a really difficult week. Ryder had been battling what we thought was some kind of gastro virus, when he became extremely ill, and was hospitalized for vomiting and dehydration. We drove to the ER, where Ryder was treated and discharged, drove home, and went back again in an ambulance, when Ryder was admitted to the hospital. I was traumatized after seeing him vomit up blood and bile; choking and gasping for air. I was awake for over 24 hours. I was so tired and upset, I was barely coherent by 6:00am. I felt drunk as I tried to answer the questions I was being asked. I was sitting in a hospital full of medical staff and I still felt alone. Perhaps they knew he would be okay. I did not know. I was terrified. The next 24 hours is blur. We got the vomiting under control. We were able to manage the pain so that Ryder started swallowing again. For hours, he was holding his saliva in his mouth, refusing to swallow. All of his tests were normalizing, aside from showing that he was dehydrated. He had some issues with his heart rate dipping, but we got it figured out. I can’t tell you how helpless it feels when no one knows what the hell is going on. It wasn’t their fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just brutal.

In an emergency situation, you are often running on empty: no sleep, experiencing extreme levels of stress and fear, and no idea what’s happening. It takes a while to find your feet. I found mine, and was able to ask the right questions, request the right things. Their job is to keep your kid alive, your job is to figure out the rest. It feels very unfair sometimes, but that’s the way it is. You don’t have to do it alone, but you do have to take responsibility, advocate, and push for the things your child needs. You have to be very clear that this is not something you are willing to live with, or accept, but you also have to understand that sometimes, things happen for reasons which no one knows. Is that a good enough answer, “we don’t know”? Not really, but sometimes no one knows. It’s tough to digest, tough to accept. It doesn’t mean we’re giving up. We don’t know what caused this incident or what causes Ryder’s vomiting in general, but we are working to ensure it doesn’t happen again. We’re still looking for answers.
It’s easy to say, “if that was my child, I would make them help!”. Yes, I could yell and scream at the top of my lungs. Security would come and escort me out, and my child would be left terrified and alone. I would be flagged as a difficult parent. No one would want to work with me. I could refuse to leave the hospital until they had given me the answer I was looking for, and cause such extreme stress and anxiety in my child that we’d have a whole other set of problems to deal with. There is a process, and you must follow it, whether you like it or not. We have a good, but complex health system. It’s not without its flaws. There are many incredible people who work within it, and there are some lousy people who work within it. You find the good ones, and get their help. You work together. You manage the imminent problems first, and then tackle the rest. It’s hard. I have learned how to push, how hard to push, when to push, and where to go when it feels like no one is listening.

So here we are, home and monitoring Ryder. I’m still trying to catch my breath. We will go back to the hospital if he becomes dehydrated or starts vomiting incessantly again. We are making calls to different specialists, and we are coming up with a plan to keep him hydrated and nourished. We are fighting, just as he is fighting, to keep him happy, healthy, and comfortable. He’s doing much better today. He has even started drinking out of a cup, instead of a sippy cup, which we’re hoping will reduce the amount of air he takes in when drinking. This is a big victory for us! I will never be able to say it enough: Ryder is an amazing, brave, strong kid.

There was no time to rest when I returned home. Hayley, who handled the whole situation very well, missed her mama greatly. Tyson had just taken off on a pairing when Ryder became very ill, and I had to scramble to arrange care for Hayley. She needed some TLC and some time with me. It was probably for the best, as I didn’t have time to shut down or fall apart after such a stressful few days. I had to keep going. Kids are wonderful that way. They just continue on, and then so do you. Hayley woke up today and said that it is a good day because Ryder isn’t sick anymore. I think she’s right, it is a good day. We still have a long way to go, but we’re all home, safe, and together. That’s a great start.