Ryder was especially talkative at breakfast today.  He was using his voice to make all kinds of noises, focusing intently on what he was telling me. I smiled, and told him I love to hear him talk. “What are you telling me?” I asked. It was a very happy morning for us, yet I’m feeling all kinds of emotional right now. I wish for one moment I could hear Ryder’s voice, his real voice, the one with words, the one that can make requests and tell me what he needs. I wish I could step inside his mind and understand the way he sees and experiences the world. I wish I knew what he’s really thinking and feeling. And then I would know if I’m doing things right, if I’m doing enough. I would know if he is really, truly happy. I have these days every now and then, and they are hard and a little sad. It’s challenging when you have to rely solely on non-verbal communication and cues, but I have to remind myself of all the ways Ryder does communicate. I know in my heart that he is a happy child. It just hurts sometimes.

I put Ryder on the bus, and then up wandered his chatty sister, who used her own verbal skills to try to manipulate me. We had been looking at board games on my computer, talking about which ones we might like to ask for at Christmas, when I got up to make breakfast.
“What did you say, Mom? When you were walking over there?”
“Um, I don’t remember, what did I say?”
“You said you wanted to buy me a new puzzle.”
Not quite what I said, but I had to laugh. It was a valiant effort. It’s fascinating to me to watch Hayley grow and learn, even if it’s learning how to trick her mother. When she’s scared, she tells us. When something hurts, she tells us. When she’s lonely, she tells us.

Imagine, never being able to speak. Never being able to share your thoughts or feelings with another person. Never being able to say “I’m scared”, or “I’m sad”, or “I’m just so happy”. We do very well with non-verbal communication, but there is nothing more heartbreaking than listening to Ryder cry and scream because he cannot tell us what he wants, needs, or is experiencing. Non-verbal Autism is a less common form of Autism. About 30% of people on the Autism spectrum never speak or use very few words. No one really knows why some people with Autism can’t, or don’t, use language. I have always said that I do not care how Ryder communicates, as long as he is able to communicate. For this reason, we continue to try all methods of communication available to us: sign language, PECs (Picture Exchange Communication Symbols), electronic communication devices, and spoken words, of course. We are still searching for the holy grail, the method that Ryder might latch on to. Will he ever speak? Probably not, but doctors also said he might never walk, and he runs circles around all of us now, so I  have learned to never say never. Meanwhile, we will continue to support his communication in every way we can, with the hope that, one day, he discovers that he does indeed have a voice. And we are listening.