January

It’s only the second day back to school after Christmas holidays, and Ryder missed the bus. I chalk it up to still being on holiday time. That, and my 4:00am wake up call from Hayley today, which left me running around the house with only one eye open this morning. Still, we got him to school as scheduled, and got home with just enough time to get Hayley ready for school. She helped moved the process along by stomping around and yelling at me. As I continued getting her ready to go, I thought of my own mother, and sent a silent “sorry, Mom” out into the universe.

We had a wonderful, busy, happy Christmas holiday. We did all the fun holiday things: parties, sledding, walks in the snow, singing Christmas carols, watching hockey games, and spending time with family and friends. Ryder was interested and excited about all things Christmas. As soon as the gifts were wrapped and placed under the tree, he kept bringing wrapped presents to his spot at the table, in an attempt to get us to help him open them up. He loved having all of his grandparents here, and discovered his love for sledding. It was awesome to see him trying to climb the hills himself, and get back on to the sled for another turn. And it was so much fun watching the magic of Christmas unfold for Hayley. I was proud of her giving spirit, and excited right along with her for all the wonders of Christmas. She missed both of her Christmas concert performances because she was sick, but she recovered and carried on with the festivities. Hayley handled missing the concert better than I did. I may have cried a little. I thought to myself, “No! This is not part of our perfect Christmas plan!” and then I regrouped and reminded myself that, never, in the history of the world, since the birth of Jesus himself, has there ever been a perfect Christmas. I didn’t get a single family photo of the four of us, not a good one anyway, and I didn’t send out our Christmas cards. My house was a mess of Christmas decorations, Hayley’s craft projects, Ryder’s treasures, and a thousand toys, old and new.
When I saw my friend’s beautiful, freshly cut, Christmas tree standing in her house, naked, having never been decorated in time for the holiday, I smiled, knowing exactly why the decorations had never made it on to the tree. And guess what? It was still festive, in all its natural glory, and the kids were as happy as can be. It reminded me that when we stop trying to make things perfect, they grow into their own perfect imperfections anyway.

Our greatest gift of the holiday season was that Ryder is on a new medication for his reflux, and his vomiting and pain symptoms have stopped almost completely. I can’t tell you how much that changes everything in our house. It’s like a weight has been lifted, and we can breathe again. When Ryder struggles, we all struggle. It’s hard to watch someone you love suffer. Even little Hayley has said, many times, that she is sad when Ryder gets sick. Today she congratulated him for not gagging when I brushed his teeth. She notices everything, and she feels everything, too.

I’m optimistic, as we move forward into 2020! Life, like Christmas, won’t ever be perfect, but no matter what we are struggling with, there is always something good out there in the world. This year, and always, I hope that you find your happy, your joy, or even just a tiny glimmer of hope if that’s what you need in your life right now. Happy New Year!